A resource
prepared for gay leathermen & leatherdykes in San Diego.
May
broader audiences also find this useful.
2. Connecting
3. Communicating and negotiating
5. San Diego
6. About this resource and presenter
Introductions
between leatherfolk are a great connector.
We'll start by
introducing ourselves by first names.
It's a catch-all phrase to describe a mindset for how we approach and incorporate our personal kinks into our life and relationships. Wearing "leather" is not required in order to be a leatherperson, but it is pretty common. We acknowledge our heart's desires and unleash our spirit to explore and celebrate.
Top/bottom – describes the doer and the done-to
Dominant/submissive ("D/s") – a power exchange interaction
Of note: Submissives can choose to whom to offer their submission. They do not have to be submissive to all Doms
Daddy/boy (&"boi") -- a D/s relationship where often the boy has some input
pup/Handler – generally a playful relationship
Master/slave -- a control/obedience relationship where the slave strives to conform to the Master's will
Polyamorous ("poly") -- multi-member families
The Nine Degrees Of Submission can help discern between nuances of submission
Heck, almost anything “from mild to wild.” Keep in mind that what goes on always depends on the two (or more) people involved and what they specifically are in to / open to / have agreed to. Here is a slew of possible ideas:
abrasion, animal roles (puppy, pony, etc.), ball torture & ball stretching, beating, biting, blindfolds, body worship, bondage, boot worship, branding, breath control, buttplugs, cages & cells, caning, catheterization, chains, chastity, clothespins, cock torture, cock worship, collars, cowboys & cowgirls, cuttings, dildos, electricity, enemas, fire play, fisting (anal & vaginal), haircuts (flat-tops, marine high-n-tights, etc.), flogging, foot worship, fucking, gags, gas masks, glove play, group scenes, handcuffs, harnesses, hoods, ice cubes, interrogations, kidnapping, kneeling, latex clothing, leather clothing, manacles & irons, marks / bruises, medical scenes, military scenes (army, air force, navy, marines), motorcycles, mummification, obedience, pain, piercing (temporary & permanent), prison scenes, rape fantasy, rituals, rope, rubber clothing, scent worship (musk in groin & armpits for example), sensory deprivation, service / serving, sex, shaving, sleepsacks, sounds (metal urethral or vaginal rods), spanking, spirituality, spitting, straight jackets, sucking / "going down", surrender, suspension, tickling, tit clamps, tongue bath / tongue worship, uniforms (police, military, delivery man, etc.), verbal humiliation, voting to protect one's freedom of expression (including sexual and spiritual expression), water sports, wax (hot, dripping), whipping, wrestling
One means to be explicit about the expectations and desires of both parties, though they are by no means universal. As an example, here are my family's former contracts.
A code of correct conduct. In leather, it is a specific Top / Dom / Daddy / Master's rules for their bottom / submissive / boy / slave
One way to identify boundaries for oneself and communicate that information with a potential partner. Some people use them and some don’t; we all have different communication styles.
Know your partner -- to stay alive. If the person is a stranger to you, make sure someone knows with whom you are leaving. Here are a couple of ideas:
If you've met someone online and are headed to their house, e-mail the address to a trusted friend
If you've met someone in person and would like to head home with them, ask to see their driver's license to call a trusted friend with the name. If done politely most leatherfolk would understand that this is a step toward helping you surrender more fully for the evening
Safewords -- one means of helping a Top know what's going on. However, some reputable Tops do not use safewords because they feel they inhibit deep surrender
Sexual intercourse is not necessarily part of a leather scene
Groups provide a way of meeting folks but usually any parties are held separately and can exclude vanilla sex to avoid being hassled by prostitution laws
Dungeon parties and private parties are one way to explore leather sexuality
Some parties or runs require sponsors / references to get in. If interested, make yourself known, discreetly inquire where there are private parties, and when you find someone who is connected, ask if the person will sponsor you. It may take a while for the person to develop the comfort level necessary to take the calculated risk to sponsor you, so be patient
Please read the section on party protocol in the above link, as party protocol is important (1) to help encourage the right energy and (2) to be allowed back
One-on-one with someone you trust is perhaps best for surrender
www.recon.com is the place for gay male kinksters
www.leatherdyke.com is for LeatherDykes
www.alt.com is the “World's Largest BDSM & Alternative Lifestyle Personals”
www.fetlife.com is like Facebook for fetishists
Online is not the same as real life
Left = Top, right = bottom
Common "handkerchief code" colors: black = SM, gray = bondage, hunter green = Daddy/boy
Collars - traditionally mean this person is taken
Know your own personal truth so
that you can state it in a clear, respectful manner. Here's an
example:
Sir, you having a fun, hot experience is very
important. At the same time, there are some health issues I need to
communicate so that you can make informed decisions. For example, I
am HIV-positive, so please take whatever personal precautions you
feel are appropriate. Also, oral sex is very hot, but has some gray
areas. If you got all worked up and wanted to blow a man-load, I'd be
mighty excited to feel it if allowed. Would you please shoot it
outside my mouth, Sir? Thank you, Sir!
The
leather tribe works with power.
Many folks do it well and with
style.
The tribe does have a history, however, of friendly fire --
eating our own.
My observation is that we can each help contain
these fires with these actions:
1. When disagreements happen, and they will, be respectful
2. Discreet, constructive input is helpful
3. Avoid gossip
Dan Kalin was my leather mentor. He was the first person who came up to me at a leather bar, circa 1988, and said "I want to tie you up." My response was along the lines of "That's nice. Perhaps some other time." Dan seemed to intuitively know that I was afraid. He stayed and we talked. I started asking questions such as "Would you stop if I asked?" (His answer was the intriguing: "Yes, but I won't start again.") "Could there be a time limit?" (He said it depended. I inquired why. He explained that it took a while to tie someone up, and if the time were too short that would mean that untying would come too shortly after completing the tying. That made sense.)
caryl's BDSM Page is a vast trove of information
Jack Rinella's LeatherViews.com has extensive writings on a broad variety of topics
Joe Gallagher's LeatherPage.com features columnists from around the country
OfficerWes.com will get you to the information I've compiled about leather and spirituality, Dominance and submission & Mastery and slavery, uniforms, erotic electricity, making a rope harness, dungeon parties, and my leather family -- but be sure to check out the concise, external Leather/SM Resources
There are plenty of good or decent books nowadays. These are the two I'd recommend for a person starting out in leather:
Leathersex: A Guide for the Curious Outsider and The Serious Player by Joseph W. Bean.
Below is a review I wrote in 2002:
Leathersex: A Guide for the Curious Outsider and The Serious Player by Joseph W. Bean was a rich delight to read. Many in the Collars' audience will appreciate the content, accurately described by the chapter titles: "Getting Started in Leathersex", "Playing with Power and Sex", "Playing with Pain", "Playing with Pleasure", "Playing with Life and Death", "Leather Relationships", "Anatomy, Physiology, and First Aid" and "Leathersex and Spirituality".
The author's writing style is both engaging and informative. "Leather Relationships" has an intimate quality to it, including an interesting interview with the founders of MAsT and another with the author's late boy. The latter interview and writings around it answer, as best I've seen, the question "What is a 'boy'?" "Playing with Pain" included information on some techniques for pain processing and storage that I'd not run across in book form before. "Leathersex and Spirituality" is a short but welcome chapter.
The book flows well.
The author does not shirk from addressing edgy topics when relevant.
The index is exhaustive.
I highly recommend Leathersex to a gay male leather audience.
Leatherfolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics and Practice, edited by Mark Thompson.
This book provides history from the '40s forward.
Three thoughts
Working with a real-live person, face-to-face, that you trust, beats on-line, if it's an option
groups.queernet.org -- "QueerNet Groups is the home to hundreds of email-based communities for the gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered, HIV/AIDS, and leather/S&M communities." Click the link, scroll way down to the adult section near the bottom and try something like gl-asb (an acronym for "gay/lesbian-alt.sex.bondage")
Yahoo! has some good groups, but it works to make "adult" content harder to access. The filtering on their “Find a Yahoo! Group” search utility often states that groups do not exist -- even when I’m a member of that group and have an adult profile. But if you can find a direct URL for a group -- there are some below -- things work. Best of luck.
Bears of San Diego www.bearssd.org is a club for bears (big furry men) and bear fanciers
Club X San Diego www.clubxsd.org is a pansexual (all inclusive: male, female, straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transexual, etc.) gateway group. Hosts quite a few different activities.
San Diego Leatherboys is a group of self-identified leather boys. For more information groups.yahoo.com/group/sdleatherboys
San Diego Foxhole www.foxholem4m.com is for men age 21+
San Diego League of Gentlemen www.sdlog.net is a gay leathermen's social group providing opportunities for friendship, mentoring and education. Meets first Fridays 7pm-9pm at Joyce Beers Uptown Community Center, 1230 Cleveland Ave.
SoCal Shibari is a group of people who share a passion for bondage, especially rope bondage. Meets the first and third Tuesday from 7:30pm - 9:45pm at Joyce Beers Uptown Community Center, 1230 Cleveland Ave. For more information groups.yahoo.com/group/SoCalShibari
TNGSD · Next Generation-San Diego groups.yahoo.com/group/TNGSD/ is a group for those who are into the lifestyle or wish to know more and are between 18-35
The womyn's community has 'Women's Leather Rap.' It meets the 2nd Monday of the month at Joyce Beers Uptown Community Center, 1230 Cleveland Ave. from 7:00pm - 9:00pm "Curious and new leather women are always welcome! Come and share your views, ideas, suggestions, opinions and chocolate."
Yellow Hankies San Diego (YHSD) is a group for gay men who are into water sports. Holds two monthly socials on the first and third Thursday of every month at the San Diego Eagle 8pm – 11:00pm Subscribe to e-list.
Friday Beat and Greet is for friendly people who would like to learn more about flogging, paddling and the like. We'll be demonstrating techniques on eager volunteers and curing the curiosities of those who have questions. Nothing too wild, just pleasantly kinky enough to bring a smile that lasts a while! will be held on the 3rd and 5th Fridays each month from 9pm to 1am. Open to people age 18 and above. For more information see the SDCalendar (below)
Clean and sober? There's an open AA meeting for Leatherfolk called "Sober Minded Leatherfolk" on Fridays at 8pm at the gay & lesbian Alano Club, 1730 Monroe Ave
Events in the San Diego area for Leather, BDSM, Bears, Imperial Court, etc. are listed on SDCalendar at groups.yahoo.com/group/SDCalendar/cal
San Diego & regional/national events of interest for Southern California-based gay leathermen are posted to San Diego Leathermen's Events at groups.yahoo.com/group/sdle/
San Diego Whip Practice is normally the first Saturday 12 noon to 2pm. For more information see the SDCalendar (above)
Wendy Sue regularly compiles San Diego & regional/national events of interest for Southern California-based leatherwomyn. If you're interested, e-mail her at WSUEB at aol.com and write 'put me on the leather list' in the subject line.
Eagle, 3040 North Park Way, www.sandiegoeagle.com
Pecs, 2046 University Avenue, www.pecsbar.com is the place for bears
Rich's, 1051 University Avenue, www.richssandiego.com -- not usually a leather bar but the 3rd Saturday of the month is "L.L. Bear," a night of Leather, Levi's and Bears
Bargain Center (military surplus store), 3015 North Park Way, 619-295-1181.
The Crypt, 3847 Park Boulevard, 619-692-9499, and 4094 30th St, 619-284-4724.
My personal favorite is the selection of cards.
The Rubber Rose (women oriented), 3812 Ray Street, 619-296-7673 (closed Mondays).
Pleasures & Treasures, 2228 University Ave., 619-822-4280 (closed Tuesdays).
Of note: Slings can be rented here.
Leather 101 is a welcoming workshop for all. We'll touch on getting started, communication, relationships, spirituality, tips for us in San Diego, and resources for learning more.
Leather 101 is a popular topic and has been presented to different audiences including San Diego Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Pride , San Diego League of Gentlemen and Club X San Diego nearly every year since 2003. Officer Wes thanks his friend Wendy Sue for the information on leather womyn's resources that was incorporated in 2004.
Officer Wes entered his first leather bar in 1980. He has examined and shared on issues of sexual expression and other areas of the human experience for much of his life. His experiences and viewpoints have appeared in many publications including USA Today and The Advocate. He judges regional and international contests and presents programs and workshops on Master/slave and Daddy/boy relationships, spirituality and leather, great sex, pain and pleasure, uniforms, fetish, interrogation, electricity, and other aspects of the BDSM arts at clubs and events across the country. He is credited as an influence in the books Protocol Handbook for the Leather Slave and Master/slave Relations, and is the author of the electrical chapter of the upcoming book Edgeplay and Power Exchange. His Web sites on sexuality, health and kink stand as a resource for others seeking to live in integrity with their authentic selves and have been visited by over a quarter of a million people.
Officer Wes was an inaugural mentor for SAADE, the School for Advanced American Dominant Education, a formal mentoring program for new dominants that instructs its apprentices not only in physical SM practices but on the mental, emotional and spiritual dynamics of BDSM as well. He served on the host committee for Living in Leather VIII, was an inaugural core member of San Diego's private men's BDSM group SuperPigs, and is an Associate Member of the Chicago Hellfire Club.
Officer Wes has an open leather family built around shared values of respect, honor, trust, and love. He is open to having a slave in service and is himself in service to a Daddy. More information about Officer Wes can be found at www.officerwes.com.
It is my great hope that this may be helpful on your own journey of heart and spirit in leather - and out!
-- Officer Wes
© 2003-2010 by Officer Wes